Let’s set the potential scene for September 11. It’s R U OK? Day. You want to reach out, check in on a friend or a family member, maybe even start a conversation that’s been pending since ages.
But… your brain feels like mashed peas. You haven’t had a proper sleep in three days. Your jaw is clenched like a top-shelf cocktail shaker.
Your own “Are you OK?” check might warrant a long pause. And that’s where we could help you.
Before you hit send on that “R U OK?” message or walk over to your friend’s desk with those big eyes and serious vibes, we’ve got a simple message for you:
Check in with yourself first.
This isn’t about being selfish. It’s about being sustainable. Just like when you think you need to plan and get everything ready before organising a dinner party for the family, you won’t be able to take care of others and check up on others when you haven’t taken care of yourself first. When you feel better, you connect better. And that makes the whole R U OK? Day movement stronger and more real.
So here’s your pre-check-in checklist—aka your wellbeing warm-up before reaching out. Because showing up for others starts with showing up for yourself. Start by asking yourself these questions:
Have I checked in with myself first?
Before checking in with anyone else, take a minute to look inward. Think of it like oxygen masks on planes — you can’t help others if you’re gasping for air.
Try this mini self-scan:
- 💭 Emotionally: “How am I feeling today, really?”
- 🧠 Mentally: “Am I mentally clear or overwhelmed?”
- 😴 Physically: “Am I rested or running on fumes?”
- 💛 Socially: “Do I have space to be present, or am I socially tapped out?”
If you’re going for journaling, here are some prompts and points of reassurance that you could try.
- I’m feeling _____, and I think it’s because _____.
- I want to show up brimming with care, and not feel obligated about it.
- I can care for someone else right now and set boundaries for myself as well.
A better way to recharge is setting up time for yourself. Block out your calendar for an hour or two, snuggle up in your safe space at your house. Do something that makes you happy. It could be binge-watching your favourite show, whipping up a chocolate cake, DIY-ing room decor, or maybe just relaxing for an hour while a professional massage therapist works out your muscle knots and help you calm down, without having to leave your house or commute to the spa.
Is my body calm enough to support someone else?
All of this can sound a bit too science-y for your liking, but hear us out. When someone’s distressed and worn out, your nervous system plays a starring role in how safe and supported you feel. If you’re tense, jittery, or rushed, they’ll feel it. What’s worse? They’ll assume you are simply asking them if they’re okay, out of obligation. Try some grounding techniques for a change. Breathing exercises might not sound like a lot, but it definitely helps. Thinking of something more to fill up your hours? Try some gentle yoga or guided meditation. Take a walk outside, without your phone (although, if you do need some music to help you get by, you do you). Get some natural Vitamin D (the supplements should be just what the name suggests). And if you don’t want to put in the effort by yourself, that’s completely fine. Trusted and vetted massage, beauty and wellness professionals can come to wherever you are, with everything you possibly need to have a calm and relaxing self-care experience at home. Whether that’s a massage, facial, hair and makeup session or a manicure that’s going to bring back the joy.
Do I actually have the bandwidth today?
We know, we know. R U OK? Day is all over your Instagram feed, your office Slack channel, and probably even your favourite podcast. It’s a beautiful reminder to reach out, but not a mandate to emotionally overextend yourself.
You can care deeply about others and still not be in the right place to support someone today. That doesn’t make you selfish, it just makes you self-aware.
Checking in with someone can sometimes open the floodgates. So before you slide into someone’s DMs or send that heartfelt “Hey, thinking of you” message, take a beat and ask yourself:
Here are some questions to check your current capacity:
- Am I emotionally available today, or am I already hanging by a thread?
- Can I give them my full attention, or will I be low-key multitasking while doomscrolling?
- Am I doing this out of genuine care, or because I feel pressured by the date on the calendar?
- Would I be able to hold space for whatever they might say?
If you’re hesitating, or answering “umm…” to any of the above, press pause. Because reaching out when you’re emotionally spent doesn’t help anyone. You risk showing up half-present, misreading signals, or worse, feeling resentful that someone actually took you up on the offer to talk.
Have I created actual space for this chat?
R U OK? conversations are rarely one-liners. They can open emotional doors, some you didn’t even think of before; and it’s your job to be present when that happens.
Prepare like you would for a meeting:
- Block out 30 to 60 minutes, even if the chat takes less.That errand you classified as urgent can wait for another hour, honestly.
- Switch your phone to Do Not Disturb (DND) mode. That indicates the conversation you’re having is more important than anything else at the moment.
- Choose a comfy, private setting (not mid-commute or between Zoom calls). Meet up at home, or at their favourite cafe. Or maybe the park, if it’s okay with both of you.
Can I listen to someone else without needing to ‘fix’ their problems?
Spoiler alert: you’re not their therapist (unless you are, in which case, boundaries! 🤫). Sometimes, the best way to support someone is to just be there, without trying to solve the problem. Instead of solving, practice:
- Nodding and holding silence.
- Saying “Thankyou for trusting me with that.”
- Asking, “Would you want some advice, or can I be just someone to talk to?”
However, here are some things not to say (even with love, because we know all of us might, at some point):
- “At least it’s not worse.”
- “Try to think positive!”
- “Here’s what I did when that happened to me…”
Do I have a post-conversation plan for both of us?
R U OK? conversations can be big, and can cover a broad topic. So what happens after? You can offer to follow up with an offer to meet up some time another week, or after a couple of days. Let them know you’re thinking of them after a certain period of time. A kind message can go a long way. Emojis and GIFs help lighten up the mood. 🤗 And if you would like to, send them a Blys gift card, if you think some at-home self-care can help boost their mood. It just starts from $50, redeemable for any of the in-home massage, beauty and wellness treatments, and sent in an instant to their inbox. The best thing? You can do so while you’re just staying with your friend or lying on your couch. Minimal effort, maximum results.
You Deserve Care, Too 💛
Reaching out can change someone’s life. But so can looking after your own.
So, before you check in on someone else this R U OK? Day, ask yourself the real question first: R U OK? And if the answer is “not really,” that’s okay. The first step to connection is compassion—for yourself, then others.
With Blys by your side, self-care isn’t a luxury—it’s how you show up better, softer, stronger.
